Chapter Forty-One

The rain thrashed against the windows and she stood alone, she'd fucked up-again. He was about to open up to her, she had seen it in his eyes but still she butted in and shut it down. Why? Was she scared that if he said the words that she had longed to hear she wouldn't deserve it from her failure in the job? She hid her face in her hands, why was this so hard? Were they really that different?

Like a record stuck in a groove, it kept playing over in her mind how the hell she could have missed this coming? She had wrongly assumed public events were off-limits but then  again there was also the waiter that drugged her, dammit. Thank god they weren't hurt, but the damage that it had done to Jon was far deeper than any surface cut. She wiped away the guilt with the back of her hand, this was shit, just shit. She looked over her shoulder, she wanted to go up and find him but everytime she looked in his eyes all she saw was failure. Failure to do to her job, and failure to protect the man that she loved. 

She packed her thing and zipped up her bags. Some of her clothes were still hanging in Jon's wardrobe but now wasn't the time to collect them. She felt incomplete as damn if she had ever walked away from a job, but honestly what choice did she have at this point? She was surprised that Jon was back in the living area when she jogged down the stairs. "Hey," she stood in front of him and hugged herself. "David should be here any minute. 

Jon crossed his arms and didn't break his gaze out the window. "I left your clothes on my bed, so don't forget them before you leave."

She crouched down and put her hands on his knees. "Jon, I need you to know I'm doing this for you."

He grunted, "right. You do what you have to do MacKenzie. I don't need you anymore, they know who you are..." he looked up and she met his gaze. "So why else would you possibly stay?"

Her heart missed a beat and she swallowed, "Jon that's not what I meant." He was curled into her chair, facing the early morning skyline so she knelt down and placed her hands on his knees. "Look at me," she whispered. He looked down and met her gaze, "I care about you, that is why I'm doing is. I need to let David take control of this situation for your own safety, without any distractions." It was that serious, whatever the hell this was, Jon's safety came above anything else, and in this case before her needs.

Jon sighed and covered her hand with his. "I don't want you to go." The vulnerability in his voice sliced right through her. It was a side of Jon that he rarely showed and it was breaking her heart. What she felt for Jon scared her, she'd not loved or connected with someone so fiercely since Brian. Her biggest fear out of all this was the choice to let go and just love him but she couldn't. Not while this was happening around them, not while she had a very real chance at losing him under her watch. Just like she did with Brian.

Her eyes stung with tears, "right now, it's best I don't. If I'm a target I need to remove myself from the picture." 

His hand slid away and he continued to stare blankly out the window. "The MacKenzie I know doesn't run, and she's not a coward."

She felt like a coward, and he had every right to see it that way, and god if someone stormed into the apartment now she would throw herself in front of him to protect him, no questions asked. She wasn't afraid of the gang or of herself being hurt, she was afraid of losing him. "I'm not, I'm--" She closed her eyes as the buzzer drilled through the room. 

"That's the door."

She ushered David in, he matched MacKenzie in height but was built like a fridge. They hugged fiercely in the lobby, "he hates me for doing this. I can't stand the way he looks at me, there's so much hurt, he thinks I'm abandoning him."

David kissed her temple, "You're doing the right thing and it's just short term. A little space may help as well."

She nodded and smoothed down her sweater, "I think so, I don't think we could fuck things up more if we tried."

"Ok, well let's go and talk to him, or do you want me to do it?"

She nodded, "I'll come in too." She took David in, "Jon this is David, my partner, David, this is Jon."

~

Jon clenched his jaw as he heard MacKenzie and her partner in the foyer. He wished he'd been a bit more honest with her but hell, he was so pissed off he couldn't see straight. He'd thought about this over and over, if she loved him, how the hell was that helping him by leaving him? She swore to protect him no matter what, and now she was running. He didn't even want to believe there was logic involved in her decision, even though he knew her better than that. 

Christ, he was so angry at himself for falling in love with her. All the women that had come and gone in his life, why her? He refused at this point to now believe it was anything more than the right place and the right time, she was attractive and they had a lot in common so something was always going to happen. It was all too easy, she was right there, ready for the taking. Just as well he hadn't made an idiot out of himself gushing the word love all over her. Wouldn't he have looked damn stupid? He popped his knuckles and crossed his arms as they came in.

"Hi Jon, I've heard so much about you. How are you holding up?" David reached in with his hand but Jon simply looked at it.

"I bet you have, like what time I take my pills and how I have my potatoes?" His voice dripped with sarcasm but he didn't care. 

"Ok, well you know I'm just here to keep you safe. Things will be as normal as possible."

He snorted, Christ. "Nothing about this is normal David."

David dropped his hands to his sides and they both sat on the edge of the couch. "I realize this has been hard on you and your family Jon, but I'm here to make sure nothing happens to you or them. MacKenzie will still be involved with the intelligence side of things, while we try and get through the next few days." 

Jon's blood froze at the mention of his family, it was a miracle nothing had happened to them this far. He'd checked his appointment schedule for the next few days and had emailed in cancellations, there was no way in hell he was going out there with a guy. It was different with Kenzie as she was his girlfriend according to everyone else, but this just screamed bodyguard. He was being stubborn, he'd had bodyguards before before but this was a far cry from a few over zealous fans. 

"Jon, David is the best at what he does. You know I wouldn't leave you with just anybody."

But you would leave me, and that I didn't know. "Right. Well I appreciate the thoughts, but I've cancelled my appointments for the week, so you're going to be very bored David."

MacKenzie raised her brow, "you cancelled them?"

He smiled a little too smugly. "Yes, cancelled them all." 

"Jon, you don't have to do this, I know you're scared but--"

"Let's get this perfectly clear shall we?" He stood and walked to the window. "I'm not going out with a bodyguard, not like this. MacKenzie was perfectly competent to my needs, things are not ideal at the moment." That was an understatement and a half but he was too pissy to let this go. "I'm not going out with a public bodyguard, so if I have to stay in, then I'm staying in."

"Jon, please. Consider what you're saying here. I can't stay for you."

He whirled around, "you made that clear MacKenzie so this is how it's going to be. She'll show you where the spare bedroom is David, but if you ask me it's a waste of your time. Goodbye MacKenzie." 

He headed towards the stairs, every fibre in his body was screaming at him to stop, turn around and tell her how much he needed her to stay, not for protection but for him. But he was a stubborn prick and he knew it. He sat on the bed and rubbed his face in his hands, this was a nightmare, a fucking nightmare. The threat of danger was so real he could smell it, and the only person he needed for strength was about to walk out the door. He was used to to being alone, he always had been one way or another, as CEO  of the band and even in his marriage, he'd managed to put up walls between him and everyone else. He'd get by, he always had.

She didn't  come and collect her things from her room, part of him wished she had so he could be alone with her but they'd said what they needed to say at this point. He rested his forehead against window, and looked out, down to the street. He rubbed his chest as the woman he'd known as Kenzie climbed into a taxi. "Kenzie," he pressed his hand against the glass and scoffed at the tear that splattered on his knuckle. He was back to being by himself just like he was used to, only this time, he actually felt alone.